Christian singles - looking for "the one"

Single person households are a growing demographic in Australia - the 2006 census recorded 24.3% of people in this demographic, and 15% percent of families are headed up by single parents. From the 2006 Census in Australia:

In 2006, around 4.6 million people aged 20 years and over in Australia were unpartnered – they were not living with a partner or a spouse. Just under 55% of unpartnered people had never been married, and the remaining 45% had been previously married and since divorced, separated or widowed, or were living separately from their marriage partner. A substantially higher proportion of unpartnered women (55%) had been separated, divorced or widowed, or were living separately, compared to unpartnered men (33%).

And in the church? The commonly accepted figure is that women outnumber men in church three to one. According to the 2001 National Church Life Survey women outnumber men in church by 22% in every age group. This should be good news for single Christian men. But is it?

Many people, single and otherwise, mention “the one” when talking about marriage relationships. They have either found “the one”, got “the [wrong] one” confused with “the real one”, or are still looking for “the one”. If you are reading this article and have never been to church, this will sound very alien to you. If you have grown up around the Australian church, you are likely to know exactly what I am talking about.

It would seem that much teaching aimed at teens in church seems to propagate the idea of “the one”. The one is the life partner that God has ordained each person to marry. The expectation of marriage is there for all, albeit not always directly stated. There is no explicit theological basis for “the one”. It is extrapolated from teaching centred on the belief that “God has a perfect plan for me”. Even this is subject to debate, as scriptures used to support this belief are generally interpreted through the grid of western individualism. Ensconced within this “perfect plan” is “the one”. This article from a few years ago in the Herald Sun mentions “the one”:

"When you walk into a church, if the girls know you're available, they're thinking you're The One. Guys get to a point where they don't want to talk to any girls for fear of leading them on."

I will address this section primarily from a female perspective. Belief in “the one” runs counter to the broader societal behaviours concerning dating. Christian women looking for “the one” will be generally less likely to experience a range of relationships, because they are saving themselves for the one person they believe God has ordained for them. I remember weighing up potentially interested males considering whether or not I could marry them. If my answer was no, I would not even go on a date with them. This decision could be made without even experiencing so much as an innocent coffee together. There was no room for “maybe”. Some girls have a list of criteria, and it may be so specific that even the hair colour is predetermined. Expect these lists to have details about spiritual attributes, personality, age and physical appearance. This makes it relatively simple to decide whether or not a male is potentially “the one” or not. Unfortunately for these girls though, no man is going to tick all the boxes. I wonder how many mature single women who would rather be married did not find a partner because of unrealistically high expectations. Others may look for a certain “feeling”. This may be seen as a spiritual knowing, a sense that God is showing them that a particular person is right or not right for them. Sadly, marriage does not mean that the partners have each found “the one”. There is nothing like a divorce to confuse this thinking. Of course it could be rationalised by saying that the person was not really “the one” - he or she is still out there.

For those who reach their thirties and beyond without marrying despite a desire to do so, the teen message of “the one” begins to wear thin. I think there are three likely ways to respond - to disregard the notion of “the one”, to hold onto hope that “the one” will come (it’s not the right timing), or to blame oneself for being undesirable in some way. Most of my friends in this category have tended towards the last of these. Along with the loss of “the one”, men and women experiencing this also face the potential loss of hoped parenthood. Biology of course does not wait for the right one to come along.

Many “not by choice” single or single again Christians experience significant grief. They may find that church struggles to validate and accept them, without seeing them as being in a state of “transition to be married”. This is compounded by church structure that often compartmentalises people. Children’s ministry paves the way to youth and young adults programs, and then churches focus on family centred ministries. Or seminars for being a better husband or wife. Singles ministries do exist, but have a degree of stigma and murky expectation attached to them. Single people who move beyond young adulthood can easily feel marginalised in church communities where the unstated expectation is that people will marry, stay married, and have children. Unfortunately these expectations haven’t matched up with the reality of changing relationships in broader society. Churches are not exempted from these changes. Marriages in church are as likely to fail as they are outside church.

We have barely scraped the surface of singleness in the church, and the way theology and popular church teachings shape the expectations and behaviours of young and older people alike in regard to relationships - existing, future or past.  Some popular church teachings are ultimately unhelpful, and I believe this is true of "the one".  We need fresh language, metaphors and acceptance of the diversity and validity of our relationships within the church - whether we are single or married.